I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
