Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
