he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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