I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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