He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
