I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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