just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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