My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
