dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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