can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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