Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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