I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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