In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
