I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
