so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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