i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
