I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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