i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
