Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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