i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
