neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
