piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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