im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
