ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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