it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
