I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
