my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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