I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
