I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
