i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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