I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
