I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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