yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
