I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
