It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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