the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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