he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
