I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
