Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
