Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
