Moan for me like Helen Keller
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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