I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize