Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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