You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
