Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Randomize