Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
