I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize