I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
