Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
