I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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