just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize