I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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