Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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