Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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