I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
