you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
