She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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