Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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