Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
