Screwed.edu
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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