And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
