Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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