Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
